248: Take me to the Beach

In one of my bucket list for this 2014, I've planned to be able to go to a beach alone. The reason why I chose the beach is because it was always my go to place for relaxing. I'm particular to sunset, and the sound of the waves dancing on the shore.I'm not sure why, but the combination of this two just relaxes the hell out of me.

The past few days had been really taxing. First, there's the issue at home. I do not really want to dwell on the problems at home because I guess everyone has it. It's just that it has been really stressing lately. But the only thing that really gets me is when I see my mother gets so affected with the family issue.

Man, it breaks my heart to see my mom cry. I find it so cheesy and uncomfortable comforting people. I'm not really used to it. But seeing my mother cry just pulls the strings on my heart. There would be moments that when I console my mom, and embrace her I realized how much I love her. I think I could not love her more than I could love anyone in this world.

I'm not really sure why some people takes the people they love for granted? Or why do people hurt the people they 'love'? It's just so ironic and so cruel. I'm not sure but for the life of me, I've never have hurt anyone I have ever loved. I mean, if I can, I just want to make them happy. That's it. I'm not sure why others would drag the people they love for unnecessary drama, or say something so cruel to hurt them. It's weird, it's crazy!

Anyway, the second reason, is because I want a space for me to be able to write. I've been writing lately but the toxicity of the pressure that I have in my job, the goals I have to aim, my obligations just messes up on my mind. I'm finding it hard to write without being distracted.

HAHAHA, okay, I know you guys have read that most of my post are always 'encouraging', 'brave', or 'inspiring', but I hope you do not mind my almost depressing entry. I just need a breather. I'm still hanging in there and far from losing my sanity, but like the obligatory Cate-Blanchett-Blue-Jasmine .GIF, I (just) need some space. 'mkay?

128: blank.

I am incredibly depressed. 

so i guess this is going no where. 

so i guess this will be nothing but a sad song. 

i want to kill myself.

but i'm not going to do it

because tomorrow is going to be another day.

this feeling will pass.

so shall this post.

FIN.

90: Melancholia

I should have written about this few days ago.

Melancholia. This is what I have been feeling for few weeks already. My state had been in gloomy. What had caused for me to feel like this is because I feel alone. I couldn't think seem to whisk away the feeling of loneliness despite of how I tried to find a diversion.

I feel out of place in the world. I feel away from everyone. The only time I feel ever close to someone is when I am around my friends. Being around them had been a temporary tranquility. A doze of my medicine just so I wouldn't dwell so much of my depression.

Home is not even a home already. I feel drifting away from my family. There are buried skeletons in our own closets that we are not willing to let go. This causes for me to shield myself away from them. My family and I pretended that it does not exist. Maybe it's better that way. Maybe it's better to keep it all hidden in the closet than to take it out and end up in melodramatic play. Drama is definitely something that I do not need at the moment.

I conceal bleakness by looking thoroughly happy. People who does not know me would even see me as a happy person; but for those who had known my heart (and they are so few) would know that I am dead inside.

I need this to stop. I need to find my equanimity.