165: Somewhere Only I Know

A cup of coffee, a quiet night, and Keane's Somewhere Only We Know. I am set to write.

The past few days had been a roller-coaster of emotion for me. I had this certain feeling of wanting to abandon everything. I had this impulse of wanting to pick up my backpack, go somewhere and settle on a place far away from everybody.

I think I just decided to be recluse. I just want to start all over again. New people. New place. I just need to get away from everything.

My friend asked me if I have a problem. I firmly told her that I had none, and that's the truth of it. I had no problem but I just want to get away from where I am. It may have sounded strange to someone but it completely sound sane to me.

So why Do I want to move away?

For one thing, I am incredibly comfortable being alone. I am a loner. I love having all the time for myself writing, thinking, wondering, drawing, cooking, and painting. It's amazing how I can do a lot of things on my own. That's what I hope to have when I move out. Second, I think where I am right now, the people I know, everything that surrounds me controls too much. They get in the way most of the time of my plans. I feel like they are the shackles off my feet. I feel like I am tied adhering to the demands of the world. At least, if I am on my own, I do not have to listen to anyone. I do not have obligations and responsibilities that will nag me. There will be no expectations and no disappointments. I will be my on  my own. I hope it doesn't sound selfish. But it's just that for all of my life, I had always been doing what was expected of me. Doing the stuffs that people want of me. Not the way around. I never had time to do what I want. So, I am longing to do things in my own terms.

I always thought that it must be amazing to be on our own. To build our life the way we always wanted to, unlike living on others dictations. *sigh*. Can I just?

So yes, I wanted to get away ... and I hope that I will be able to carry this out sooner than I expect. ☺

Before I end this entry, I'll leave you this achingly wonderful song: Keane's Somewhere Only We know.

I came across a fallen tree

I felt the branches of it looking at me

Is this the place we used to love?

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know

161: Taking that Leap of Faith

I have to be honest that uncertainty scares me. I worry when I am faced with the thought that things might not workout the way I hope it will be, and the fact that I may not be able to undo things scares me. But this time, I have to beat that fear. I have to give opportunity chance, even if there's a chance of losing too. I have to look beyond my fears and concentrate of what I will gain.

You know, giving opportunity a chance is one of the 30 things that I need to start doing to myself. It seems easy to do. But now that I am already in that moment, I realized how hard it is to experience that idea. But I need to give this a chance. I cannot let it go and wonder in the future what life could have been if I took that step.

Reading that quote from Michael Jordan, inspired me. I think despite of how unsure I am of what the future holds I need to do it. I have to remember that this is essential for my own growth. Besides, I believe that God is with me to guide me. I also know that He lead me to this path, thus I must believe on His plans.

So I'm taking that leap, and leave the rest to faith.

To uncertainty. Je Suis Prest. I am ready.

94: A Feast of No One

Today we celebrate the feast of our patron. 10 years ago, celebrating feast had been a chaos (in a good way). There are street dancings, bands, majorettes, tourists, and etc., the cacophony of the street noise would never fail to make you feel that it is indeed a celebration.

But as they say, things change. Today, as we celebrate the feast our street is not packed with tourists' cars. There are no street noise, no dancing, no singing., It would seem that people had outgrown the tradition.

10 years ago, we would have our relatives coming over. Today, we only had our grandmother's sister visiting. She did not even bother to stay long. I guessed that she had stayed only in courtesy to my father. Last year, none of his relatives came and he outraged at them saying that he had prepared for them yet they did not bother to come. He felt snubbed.

It did not bother me that we did not have many visitors or there are no street parties, but I wouldn't deny that it made me sad to think how others had gone indifferent to a day where everyone in the family get together, thank the patron, and have a good time.

56: Change because I want to

"Why are you blooming lately?"

"Nothing really, I just want to change."

*jeers* "Are you in love?"

*rolls eyes*

Honestly, it's a little annoying when people think that you are changing because of particular someone. I know sometimes change is sparked by how others inspired us. Sometimes we wanted to become a better person than we used to to impressed this particular person that we like. However, it's not always the case.

I made that subconscious/conscious decision when I realized that I cannot be forever like who I am. I want to become a better person. I have been more of tomboy-ish. I barely wear make-up, I do not dress up that much, and only care for the current book trending and series. But I'm growing. I'm a woman and I cannot forever act like as if I do not care aesthetically.

One day it just snapped out of me to love myself more; to give myself more. So yeah, before I used to spend my money on buying books, now I have decided to spend some of my money on what I should wear and even to primp myself in the salon.

No one really inspired me to become better. I'm not really in love with anyone. I just want to change because I think myself deserves something much better.