138: The bus that hasn't arrived yet.

Where the hell is the bus?

There's really no point to be alarmed of the fact that I am 23 with no boyfriend nor with any potential serious suitors (flings are not included as serious suitors, :p lol).

No, really. I'm in no hurry to find one. I have set my priorities to enjoy myself at the meantime and make myself better. But it would be a hypocrisy to say that I never felt any jealousy or envy towards my friends who are in a serious relationship or are currently in relationship. I have my own longings too. I wanted to have what they have, but thinking about it makes me realize that relationship is the last thing I need at the moment.

To say, I am still in the point where I am enjoying 'life' and making myself better. I think it's all God's doing why there are no potential guys lurking around. He knew better than me. He knew that I tend to get too emotional and might get involve with someone pre-maturely, thus destroying His well-laid plans for me.

Well, I am incredibly patient, and I believe in His plans. The bus hasn't come yet, but I know deep inside that it will come in the right time, with a seat specially vacant just for me.

For this entry, I give you this feel good music by Des'ree entitled - You Gotta Be




photo taken from source

119: Blueberry Nights

Everyone has their fair share of insomnia. I do. Just like now. Honestly, it's tedious to lie on my back and wait for stupor to take over. It's stressful to toss and turn and stare at the ceiling in oblivion ~ hoping for that unconsciousness to come any time soon.

But during these nights, my train of thoughts is an endless flowing river. These are the times that I will have the chance to think about tomorrow, a plan, a dream, basically think about nothingness in general. Staying up late makes me conscious of my existence, just because there was really nothing much to do but to exhaust myself to sleep.

Yes I did think at the moment while I was waiting for sleep to come over. What I thought about is the lesson I have learned. Today, it's poignant that what I have learned in life is how much fear can overpower me from doing something I love; that constant fear of the unknown that hinders me from taking a step.

To say, I know what fear is. I have my fears and it comes in different proportions but this certain fear that I have come into acquaintance for today is something that has the power to chain me from the ground. It was depressing because the realization had struck me too late. It's painful to know that the one's keeping me chained from the ground was myself and I was just too afraid to grab the key that I am wearing around my neck ~ fear for the consequences.

Yes, I berated myself for worrying too much, for being scared thus missing opportunity. But never again. I cannot waste any more chance that's given to me.

Currently listening: Cat Power - The Greatest



Once I wanted to be the greatest
No wind or waterfall could stall me
And then came the rush of the flood
The stars at night turned deep to dust

107: Video: Santana Lopez' Santa Baby

The very reason why I keep questioning my sexuality