150: Moved On from the Pain

It's been quite a while since the last time I have written here. The thing is, I drifted away because I was in "moving on" process, hence my last post.

Anyway, the past few weeks were another self discovery moments for me. Among the things that I have discovered, I conceived how much would my emotion do to try to beat to my knees. During the time that I was moving on, I was controlling my mind from wandering back to the person involve. I try to be productive just to divert my attention. I also tried so hard convincing myself that if I want to move on I must stop clinging on the thought of going back. Additionally, I try not to wonder about the "what-ifs" or console my longings. I was afraid that if I did, I might tell myself to try it for the last time. I have decided that I should look forward. I must look forward. So, those steps were essential for me to take.

Know when to let go

I wanted to empty out all the hurt that I had.  So when I was more in control of myself, I wrote about how I felt. I know it might sound contrary of what I just said but I allow myself to grieve. I do this so I could dump all the pain inside. Believe me, it helped me moved on.

I do not write only of my pains, but I also write the small joys that I have; The feeling of gratefulness for where I am now and for what I currently have. Writing about those healed me. Praying to God also have helped me heal. Those things that I did helped me gain back the hope that I have for tomorrow.

Moving on is a process. It takes strength to overcome the pain. It takes faith that there's something good to look forward to. But we have to believe that one day it will all end. We just need to take the first step in order to get there. Know when it's enough, and stand firm on it. The rest will follow. ☺

149: How to Stop Thinking About Someone?

"I need to stop doing this" I suddenly blurted out of the blue while my friends and I were on our way to Tagaytay. They looked at me in surprise and wondered why on earth I randomly said that out loud. 

Yes, Carrie that's what I thought too.

Of course, they ended up prying for information that something has been bothering me. I whisked out their concern by saying that I was just obsessing on my work. They seemed to be satisfied with my answer, they let go of my random rant. Little they did know the reason why I actually said that is because there's this certain person who keeps on popping on my mind. This person had been a constant plague of my sanity. I tell you. 

To say, I have the ability to quell my thoughts and control my emotions. So during the night, I told myself that I have to stop thinking about this guy. It was my firm determination and decision that not thinking about this person is what I want. I admit that it's hard and it takes time before I master myself from being free from that person. But, I have to admit that telling myself that I want to stop thinking about him, help made things a little lighter. It was my first step.

So I was pacing back and forth inside my room, while thinking of ways how to restrain my mind from thinking. I know we have different rules to control our mind, but here are mine:

1. Do not be idle - Being idle would give me space to think. That's why when I am trying to move on (not just on person but let's say on a situation that bothers me) I become very productive. Let's keep my mind busy!
2. Think of someone/something else - My mind literally needs to obsess on something else, because if not, 'Houston we have a problem' . Bam! I'm back thinking of that person.
3. Think of their flaws - haha, yes! I need to be aware of that person's flaws and realize that that person does not deserve my thoughts.
4. Pray - What can I say, prayer does wonders. 

There are many ways to stop thinking of someone. I came across this article that had listed the ways to stop thinking of a person. It pretty much indicated a lot of ways. You can read the article here. I think it's helpful when you are trying to move on.

The thing is, forgetting someone is hard but I always believe that if this is what we really want to happen, it's our determination that will help us make it happen. So figure things out with yourself, then make an unyielding decision. 

You, what are the things you do to forget someone?

147: Why am I single?

Why are you single? Why am I single?

Image from Boston Magazine

This is a very interesting subject. I was browsing my twitter when I saw that #IamSingleBecause is trending. The response of people were interesting. If you're going to ask me what situation I am currently in, I'll tell you that I'm single and proud. But I must admit that I have been hanging out with some guys every now and then. But that's just it. Just hanging out.

There are many reasons why people remain single. There is even an article that mentions if a person is addicted to being single.

I'll say my reasons why I am currently single and why I don't get jealous when I am being surrounded with people who are currently attached. But first I'd post here some response in twitter which I liked.

Okay, so why some people prefer to remain single? My sister told me one of the reasons (which is really the obvious): being single means less complications. But there are more reasons, reasons that we could only say to ourselves. Some reasons are found here. 

What I like about my status at the moment is the fact that I am currently spoiling myself by enjoying my earnings alone. I buy stuffs that I want. I can wear whatever that pleases me. I don't have to worry about second opinion. And I am free from emotional entanglement, headache, and heartache. 

I never get jealous/envious towards my friends who are currently in relationship because I know my time for relationship will come. Besides, if he's going to come, he will come. Let me enjoy myself for now. ♥☺

We share the same opinion. Retweeted.

You, are you currently single, or in relationship? Why do you prefer your current situation? 

138: The bus that hasn't arrived yet.

Where the hell is the bus?

There's really no point to be alarmed of the fact that I am 23 with no boyfriend nor with any potential serious suitors (flings are not included as serious suitors, :p lol).

No, really. I'm in no hurry to find one. I have set my priorities to enjoy myself at the meantime and make myself better. But it would be a hypocrisy to say that I never felt any jealousy or envy towards my friends who are in a serious relationship or are currently in relationship. I have my own longings too. I wanted to have what they have, but thinking about it makes me realize that relationship is the last thing I need at the moment.

To say, I am still in the point where I am enjoying 'life' and making myself better. I think it's all God's doing why there are no potential guys lurking around. He knew better than me. He knew that I tend to get too emotional and might get involve with someone pre-maturely, thus destroying His well-laid plans for me.

Well, I am incredibly patient, and I believe in His plans. The bus hasn't come yet, but I know deep inside that it will come in the right time, with a seat specially vacant just for me.

For this entry, I give you this feel good music by Des'ree entitled - You Gotta Be




photo taken from source

96: The Week that Was

Okay so there's a lot of things that I must share with you. But first and foremost was my TPR presentation. TPR presentation is "Training Progress Report". Basically the new hires at HP (Hewlett-Packard) are required to present to the managers and team leaders the updates of how their first 6 - 8 months went with the team.

I received the invitation last week friday. It all came a sudden that surprised me. I was not expecting that I would be presenting this Wednesday (October 19). But though it came by a surprise I felt no fear; but I must admit I was alarmed. There are few things that had alarmed me; like what I should report, if my content is suffice, or if I would meet their approval.

Their position in the industry had intimidated me, but I've prayed. I prayed for God's guidance. In the end, my presentation went smooth and actually surpassed my expectation. In which I have to thank God for that.

I was blessed.

Second, the impediments of love story. There are times that I think that I was pursuing this guy so much that he cannot return the effort I was giving. But first I do not want to confuse you. You see, this guy and I had a past. It did not work well just because of a lot of things getting between us. But I think if I am free to love .... things would go our way, but it didn't. So now I thought if I could keep him as a friend, maybe eventually ...

So I am trying to gain back his friendship because who knows ... if we're able to keep in touch for long, we might end up soon.

But *sigh* to say, sometimes I feel like I was pushing myself too much. ☹

Then I received the post-card from my well beloved friend from Denmark. I woke up and someone had placed the post-card beside me. So it was the first thing I have seen. It was such a beautiful way to wake up.

My officemates and I went to Serendra last friday. It was unexpected. We got there around 11 o'clock and most of the shops were closed already. We were lucky to be able to get a dinner at Claw Daddy and buy a cupcake from Sonja's. It was a lovely treat for ourselves.

Lastly, I enjoyed my colleague's coffee. It's funny! She makes her coffee in odd measurements. She would take a regular cup of  hot water, then a pint of powdered coffee and quite a spoonful of sugar. If you look at the cup, it wouldn't give you an idea that what's inside is a coffee. You can actually mistake it for a tea because of its lightness. But I enjoy the taste.

The coffee

Oh well that's all that has been on my weekdays. It was abrupt but it was fun.

95: Letter: "Of course, I'll always be your friend."

A letter for him.

Hello,

Oh how I hate your email. lol. I have written you an email that was beautifully written - induced by my tipsiness and you did not get to read it. What a shame. lol. It's quite a long one and you can read it when you are bored. I liked how I wrote it. Anyway I sent it Sept 17, I hope you'd read it. And you definitely need to get a new email. 

Yes, I have been busy ... busy at the office and busy with life but of course I know how to balance things. I don't have to dwell in just working right?

About Steve Jobs' death, yes it's quite celebrated here too. A lot of people here are crazy about Mac products; and I'm one of them. We have this signature boards in Mac stores; there are people there giving flowers etc., I was totally moved by his death I couldn't help but give my Mac a caress upon hearing the sad news. Btw, have you bought iPhone4S? I wanted to buy one but I have to wait until it gets here.

*smiles* if you wanted a small dog you should have gotten dogs that do not grow so big. I love toy dogs. But I have another lab and i love her. I named her Michelle. I know it might sounds lame. She's quite too happy, bouncy all the time. I should have named her Tigger (from Winnie the Pooh character).

Of course, I'll always be your friend. I treasure great friends as what The Little Prince have taught me when I was a kid. Have you read that book? It's written by Antoine Saint-Exupery. It taught me a lot of things. To value things that cannot be seen. And of friendship.

“In one of those stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night. And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend...I shall not leave you.”

Anyway I have attached the picture of Mac store with sign boards; and a picture of myself taken by my friend. I was tipsy in that picture, while I was watching NFL at Friday's. Quite a sight eh? haha! In my next email I shall tell you of my friends. :)

Always,

92: untitled apathy

Every time I think about him I couldnt help but feel this incredible sense of longing. I know we both didn't promise anything to each other, so holding him to remain steadfast is impossible. I knew even before the chances of him meeting someone else is just great. I know I should prepare myself for possible separation and keep in mind that we are not bind by commitment. I do not want to hold him because it would seem selfish of me. I know if I did. I would be oblige to give him things that I am not ready to give yet; and I know that I wouldn't give him anything. Then, possibly, he will likely to end up hating me; because I had been coward to love him fully.

It's saddening because everything is suppressed. It's saddening because he was the best thing that had happened to me. Now, things seems to wither. But this does not mean that I no longer have any hope because I still do. Besides, I really believe that if we are meant to be, the world would conspire for us to get together eventually.

Let's just wait and see what will happen. But I wouldn't deny that I love him plenty. ♥

83: Letter: [T]hen comes oblivion

A letter for him; some parts are omitted.

While trying to gather my thoughts in what I should write to you (and if ever you'll get to read this), I'm currently enjoying red wine from Napa, California while listening to Ray Lamontagne's Trouble CD (I'm currently in Hold You In My Arms track). I always have thought Ray Lamontagne, Michael Buble's songs were a good choice to spend the night lounging and swaying while tipsy. Mind you, tipsy not drunk.

Well I am hoping that after writing this, I could get a dreamless sleep. Thanks to my wine. ;)

The weather here is just perfect. It's not hot, just perfect. It had been raining then and now. So the weather's cool. You'd find the bedsheets cool during the night, and night just smells like an after-washed rain. I think you have mentioned that you had a flu due to your trip to Taiwan, I hope you are well now. Must have been quite hard to be sick traveling.

Well regarding my shift, no. I'm still working late at night. I'm getting used to it anyway. It wasn't pleasant but bearable. [...] Anyway, most of the time during weekends, I would find myself awake early in the morning (like 2 AM) just because I was asleep during day time but I find night time very comforting. Everything is too quiet; almost had reminded me that peace is probably just like that.

About my nude drawings, well I'm getting the curves of the body but has never perfected the face of the person. I sort of wanted to exclude the head and just the body because it ruins the drawings. But probably a few more practice, I'll be good. I'm using pencil, colored pencil, and oil pastels btw. You know, I like having colors, smudges on my hands. It felt so ... sexy. I don't know but there's something so very enticing in drawing a nude picture, completing it and knowing that I have made it with my own hands and seeing the traces left on me.

[...]

Well I hope to hear from you soon. I hope you get to read this and have not this buried on your junk mail because I'd be disappointed. *sigh* Anyway, I'm happy for your dog. Let your dog have a great life. She'd love you for it. *wink*.

Before I end this, I'm currently listening on Luther Vandross' Superstar and half finished on my drink. 10 minutes after this, I'll be on the bed lying, after 30 minutes of staring on the ceiling -- thinking what you are probably doing by the very minute; then comes oblivion.

Goodnight.

54: Holding On

Back November last two years ago when I fell in love with this guy. I may not have been thinking about him as constantly as I used to but I know deep inside that he held a very important space in my heart.

He had been with me through my worst. He stayed when others would have left. He was the one who almost touched my heart.

But due to distance, our relationship was not able to survive that long.

Our relationship lasted for 7 months. Though it ended, I wouldn't say that it went down the drain. We settled as friends when we came to the point that we knew that the relationship was not working.

Up until now we've kept our communication. I am happy that we ended up as friends because probably if we have kept our relationship we would end up hating each other.

I still have hopes for us to be together. I know it's all about right timing and patience. I know if one day if we are both still available and we meet then probably we'll take our relationship to different level. But for now I want us to be friends. At least when we come to that point, we already have a better understanding of each other.

*sigh* writing about this actually makes me miss him more. </3