233: the walking wonderer

Sometimes I think that I am a walking wonderer to the extreme point that I ended up confusing myself. I am not sure why I keep on bothering about the essence of our existence to the point that I have started reading Philosophy.

It's not surprising that because *some* people are so into understanding about life, reality, and whatnot that we ended having Philosophy. There are many theories about it, some of it is interesting -- partly crazy. Partly crazy because is it really necessary to define 'What life really is?', should we look for its definition as opposed to just live our life? 

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."
 - Soren Kierkegaard
Scene from Benjamin Button

But among all the theories, I've taken such interest in Existentialism. Existentialism to summarize is:

Existentialism is the idea that all philosophical thought must begin with the experiences of the individual, and it is up to the individual to give meaning and authenticity to their own existence. ~ Chris Thomas

The reason why I've taken interest in Existentialism is because I thought isn't life should be a box of experiences? That by the end of our younger years we have so much wisdom, stories to share to the young people (just as Erik Erikson's 8th Stage of Development)? The philosophy just matches my idea which is why I have taken such interest about it.

But you know in the midst of my finding an answer, I ended up thinking 'Why the effin muffins do I even bother?' I mean is this even normal? Do you even wonder? //okay here I go a walking contradiction, lol.

I know it sounds crazy, but I hope I am making sense. Can we really just live a life without understanding anything about it? Can I? :|

151: Facing my own fears

Do you love Game of Thrones? I just love that awesome, brutal, intelligent book. Anyway, there is a particular quote that I came across where in I find very true. This quote was said by one of my favorite characters, Arya Stark.

Fear cuts deeper than swords.

Fear might be a word that we just shrugged off. Fear is a four letter word that doesn't seem to bother us consciously, but what we don't know is that it's actually the poison that's running on our blood that's putting us into coma before we even start to make our dreams come true. I wouldn't say that I am free of this, because I have my fair share of experiences where in my fear got the best of me. Fear stops me before I even do what I want to do.

To tell you my story, I would like to indicate the number one fear that I have.

FAILURE.

I am afraid to fail. I am afraid to fail executing my ideas. I am afraid to fail my certification exams, and etc.,  Hence, I either delay doing them or not doing them at all. I want to design and print my own shirt way long ago but never actually have done them. Why? Because I was afraid that it might not come out the way I expected it to. Second, I might just waste my money and time. So, I never really have done anything. Fear had won over me. Thus, I never had my own designed shirt.

My example might be simple. But what I don't know, fear actually is the reason why I have never taken a step towards what I wanted before. And the important thing I have learned about fear is: A smaller fear can be a bigger fear.

I knew I cannot live on fear, so I made a way for me to address them.

I put name on my fears

I write all the fears that I have, because I believe fear is the enemy I have to know. I cannot face my enemy without knowing them. Thus, in my opinion, it's important that I am conscious of my own fears. Hence, I identify them.

All the Pros and none the cons.

I don't think of the cons in facing them. I just write down/think of all the good things that I will get when I conquer them. Writing down the cons, makes me realize how important for me to face them.

Get inspired

I love words of wisdom! Words of wisdom gets me fueled. It inspires me to eradicate my irrational fears. This makes me realize how important my pros are, and how I should fight for my dreams to come true despite of my fears.

Pray 

Our priest once said that "Prayer changes people". I also believe the power of prayer, I always pray for strength to face my fear. It helps!

You, what are you ways to face your fear?

147: Why am I single?

Why are you single? Why am I single?

Image from Boston Magazine

This is a very interesting subject. I was browsing my twitter when I saw that #IamSingleBecause is trending. The response of people were interesting. If you're going to ask me what situation I am currently in, I'll tell you that I'm single and proud. But I must admit that I have been hanging out with some guys every now and then. But that's just it. Just hanging out.

There are many reasons why people remain single. There is even an article that mentions if a person is addicted to being single.

I'll say my reasons why I am currently single and why I don't get jealous when I am being surrounded with people who are currently attached. But first I'd post here some response in twitter which I liked.

Okay, so why some people prefer to remain single? My sister told me one of the reasons (which is really the obvious): being single means less complications. But there are more reasons, reasons that we could only say to ourselves. Some reasons are found here. 

What I like about my status at the moment is the fact that I am currently spoiling myself by enjoying my earnings alone. I buy stuffs that I want. I can wear whatever that pleases me. I don't have to worry about second opinion. And I am free from emotional entanglement, headache, and heartache. 

I never get jealous/envious towards my friends who are currently in relationship because I know my time for relationship will come. Besides, if he's going to come, he will come. Let me enjoy myself for now. ♥☺

We share the same opinion. Retweeted.

You, are you currently single, or in relationship? Why do you prefer your current situation? 

146: Sex and the City in the Morning

I have decided to re-watch the whole Sex and the City series again. I love Sex and the City because Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte's friendship is amazing. It's the kind of friendship a women would want: free from judgement, loyal, honest, and constant. Plus, the fact that the episodes tackle some of the most interesting subject to both sexes, makes the series more irresistible.

This is also where I realized how older guys more interesting than guys of my age. It's not that I find 20-something-guys lacking but it's just the fact that experienced-mature guys seemed more colorful than them. HAHAHA. Actually, I think it's because I picture guys just like mr. Big: complicated, sophisticated, classy, and sexy, which - I think - can be found in mature-older guys.

I do not understand why I like complexities but I think maybe it's because of unpredictability; and my obsessive compulsive self want to figure complications. Or, maybe, I'm really just masochist -- just like Carrie. lol.

You, do like Sex and the City? To whom can you relate more? Share your thoughts! ☺ 

137: Do the Inevitable

"Open your legs wider".

I looked up at the ceiling as I widen my legs apart. I bit my lips due to nervousness while I muttered "Good Lord" to myself. So this is it. This is how the process I have to undergo to cure the irregularity of my period. It has been a long battle of hormonal imbalance that I decided to take an action.

This post, however, is not about my hormonal imbalance nor how awkward the whole test I had taken.

But this is the post where I wanted to share the importance of taking an action and battling procrastination.

It was 2:30 in the afternoon. I just slept for 4 hours after my 5AM shift. I got home around 7 AM, slept and woke up by 11:30AM. I retried sleeping around 1:30 PM and decided that I will wake up 2:30 PM -- in time for my appointment.

Believe me, 2:30 PM with the scorching heat of the sun and my lack of sleep, I was battling with procrastination. What I wanted to do during that time is to lie down on my bed and gain back the lost and lack of sleep that I have. However, I told myself that it's important that I attend my appointment now. It's important for me not to delay.

Even though I was so lazy, I told myself that there's really no difference if I do it now or later, either way I would end up doing it. So why don't I just do it now instead? This is one of my wake up thoughts that lead me to make an action.

I realized that if I have to do the inevitable, I should just do it as early as I can so that inevitable can be easily done.

You, my faceless reader, should also do the same. If there are things you have to accomplish, things you will be eventually doing, do it as early as you can either way you'll be doing it.

:)

135: Hitting Myself with A Hammer

Does it really feel so good to hit ourselves with hammer?

Why do we do things that we know that are not good for ourselves? Do we do it because it gives us a minute - a second of happiness? Because it make us feel good?

This is one of the question that I have asked myself while I was staring at my mobile phone. I know what I am doing is treading on to trouble, yet I know I am going to do it. I am going to do it because it feels good. I am going to do it because I wasn’t thinking of the consequences, because I was savoring the selfishness of my action.

I felt no remorse about it, because I am thrilled about the thought of it. Though the guilt is slowly sinking in, pushing me back, I know I will be ignoring it.

Yes, it feels good but the guilt is killing me. But do I really care at the moment?

I know where my point of weaknesses are. THIS thing. THIS thing is just exquisitely tempting to me. I must fight all the urges, but I know I will not. This is where I am weak at.

I shook my head and placed the phone back on the table, with a message telling me that my message was sent.

Damn.

123: Something to think about

This is very interesting. I found this in the Greatest - Cat Power Youtube video that I took for my entry here. What's interesting here is that there was 170 people who were sharing the same realization. And I'm not exempted to that.

You might wonder what led me to think why I feel like this is not my real life. It's just that I really believe that I am destined/born for greatness. I'm not delusional it's just something that I totally believe in. If I'm not living that life, I'm sure as hell I won't stop until I got there.

119: Blueberry Nights

Everyone has their fair share of insomnia. I do. Just like now. Honestly, it's tedious to lie on my back and wait for stupor to take over. It's stressful to toss and turn and stare at the ceiling in oblivion ~ hoping for that unconsciousness to come any time soon.

But during these nights, my train of thoughts is an endless flowing river. These are the times that I will have the chance to think about tomorrow, a plan, a dream, basically think about nothingness in general. Staying up late makes me conscious of my existence, just because there was really nothing much to do but to exhaust myself to sleep.

Yes I did think at the moment while I was waiting for sleep to come over. What I thought about is the lesson I have learned. Today, it's poignant that what I have learned in life is how much fear can overpower me from doing something I love; that constant fear of the unknown that hinders me from taking a step.

To say, I know what fear is. I have my fears and it comes in different proportions but this certain fear that I have come into acquaintance for today is something that has the power to chain me from the ground. It was depressing because the realization had struck me too late. It's painful to know that the one's keeping me chained from the ground was myself and I was just too afraid to grab the key that I am wearing around my neck ~ fear for the consequences.

Yes, I berated myself for worrying too much, for being scared thus missing opportunity. But never again. I cannot waste any more chance that's given to me.

Currently listening: Cat Power - The Greatest



Once I wanted to be the greatest
No wind or waterfall could stall me
And then came the rush of the flood
The stars at night turned deep to dust

88: Menage.

Menage/Erotica are my guilty pleasures. I wanted to understand how could anyone get into this kind of sexual lifestyle. But so far as erotica is concern what really beguiles me is the menage. I guess ... menage is just taking pleasure to higher level. Observing and imagining how the pleasure can be brought by having two partners giving/receiving pleasures is just overwhelming. I guess that's why some prefer it. Can love exist? --- I'm not entirely sure but I'm skeptical. That's why when the heroine/hero (1st person), talks about being in love I couldn't help but roll my eyes because it felt like s/he was more in lust rather than in love.

When menage takes place, for me, it's all about lust. Gratifying the lustful side of one's self. Why? Well you are receiving pleasure from two person. Not exactly the spell binding, outpouring love between a couple that needs to be released physically.

I'm a romantic/passionate person thus this is why menage never appeals to me. Three is a crowd. It will never be romantic.

45: Mind's at race

Regarding my last entry: Can't Sleep

There's a reason why I am wide awake at this time. I am wide awake because my mind is at race. There are few things that I want do, I want to accomplish. Like: I should start blogging seriously, swimming along the tiger sharks at Manila Ocean Park, take a chance at this height enhancer that I am eying (and practically being paranoid of its side-effects and the what-if's), sending an email to Brad, the clothes I want to buy, paying my dentist soon, my savings, when should I start saving for my travel plans, buying Panasonic GF1 and if I should ever take a photography class, paying doc 6F a visit soon, and taking an action in my charity case.

My mind has a life of its own, but whenever my mind starts working crafting thoughts it titillates me in making an action and how it excites me to see the results.

heh!