258: Failing Forward for 2014

The essence of man is imperfection. Know that you're going to make mistakes. The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does. Wake up and realize this: Failure is simply a price we pay to achieve success. - J. Maxwell

It's early to say this, but if I have to summarize how my 2014 had been, it's a decline. It's an opposite of how productive my 2013 was. The fault that I had with why I did not achieve that much this year is because of how I handled my goals. Most of those I have listed had no follow through. There was no time management involved as to when I should do them, and I basically left them all to the *right time* -- whatever that means.

Last month, when I checked on my supposed goals, I ended up really depressed about it. I realized that my year had been nothing but (felt) a straight line; there was no self-progression, no highlights, nothing spectacular, plus to make it worst, my goals at work was spiraling out of control! I was mortified when I did a performance review that I realized that for a year my *supposed goals* at work was all scattered.

There was really no one to blame but myself, and how I handled my targets. I guess I should have been smart about handling my time, wiser on my priorities, disciplined to do a follow-through, and faithful to my commitments.

I was on self-loathing, and on the edge of losing my optimism, faith, and hope that all of these are just a temporary set back. Boy, it was hard to pick up myself again and start again just as the sunrises on the morning.

On Recovery
In the midst of my self-hatred, hopelessness, I thought I had to recover once and for all. I thought if I continue to feel bad, and not move forward I'd be in the pit of shit that I had created for myself. So, the first thing I did was that I started reading personal development books. I started on a book that allows me to forgive myself which is: John Maxwell's Fail Forward and it has been an amazing self-help book. It taught me to look at a bigger picture than just dwell on what I had failed on.

Up to now, I'm still recovering but I am back on track. Starting with how I should look at this year. In-spite of the decline of my goals, I want to look at it as an achievement for finally allowing myself to make mistakes. I may had always been afraid to make mistakes and I guess this is the best year to experience it.

I'm looking forward to 2015 as a better person, a spring to my (2014) autumn.

186: Self Loathing is the Way to Wake Up

'Francois Rabelais. He was a poet. And his last words were 'I go to seek a Great Perhaps.' That's why I'm going. So I don't have to wait until I die to start seeing a Great Perhaps

This book speaks to me so much, just as the previous book that I have read talked to me. I love the concept of being brave and going to a world we are not sure of. Throwing certainty to find adventure, find the treasure we are suppose to find. I read it because it was the kind of life I hope to take (soon!) I really loathe myself at the moment for being a coward.

What I really complain about is the fact that I was nurtured to take the 'careful' steps: to do well in life. Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with this kind of upbringing, but then I thought of missed opportunities; of missing what life supposed to be. I mean okay, I'm employed in a well company, earning well. I can't say anything bad to where I am, but then again so what? So is this all what I will be until I left the world?

Does living well in the world all that it takes? Just that? Being employed and working hard? Will I work hard for the next 20 to 30 years of my life? What life is really all about? I just don't find any significance in living just to live. I think we are born to be something else. I just could not ducking figure out what. And this upsets me.

[update] hah, and then I see someone posted this video in my newsfeed. Life, you're talking to me.