258: Failing Forward for 2014

The essence of man is imperfection. Know that you're going to make mistakes. The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does. Wake up and realize this: Failure is simply a price we pay to achieve success. - J. Maxwell

It's early to say this, but if I have to summarize how my 2014 had been, it's a decline. It's an opposite of how productive my 2013 was. The fault that I had with why I did not achieve that much this year is because of how I handled my goals. Most of those I have listed had no follow through. There was no time management involved as to when I should do them, and I basically left them all to the *right time* -- whatever that means.

Last month, when I checked on my supposed goals, I ended up really depressed about it. I realized that my year had been nothing but (felt) a straight line; there was no self-progression, no highlights, nothing spectacular, plus to make it worst, my goals at work was spiraling out of control! I was mortified when I did a performance review that I realized that for a year my *supposed goals* at work was all scattered.

There was really no one to blame but myself, and how I handled my targets. I guess I should have been smart about handling my time, wiser on my priorities, disciplined to do a follow-through, and faithful to my commitments.

I was on self-loathing, and on the edge of losing my optimism, faith, and hope that all of these are just a temporary set back. Boy, it was hard to pick up myself again and start again just as the sunrises on the morning.

On Recovery
In the midst of my self-hatred, hopelessness, I thought I had to recover once and for all. I thought if I continue to feel bad, and not move forward I'd be in the pit of shit that I had created for myself. So, the first thing I did was that I started reading personal development books. I started on a book that allows me to forgive myself which is: John Maxwell's Fail Forward and it has been an amazing self-help book. It taught me to look at a bigger picture than just dwell on what I had failed on.

Up to now, I'm still recovering but I am back on track. Starting with how I should look at this year. In-spite of the decline of my goals, I want to look at it as an achievement for finally allowing myself to make mistakes. I may had always been afraid to make mistakes and I guess this is the best year to experience it.

I'm looking forward to 2015 as a better person, a spring to my (2014) autumn.

186: Self Loathing is the Way to Wake Up

'Francois Rabelais. He was a poet. And his last words were 'I go to seek a Great Perhaps.' That's why I'm going. So I don't have to wait until I die to start seeing a Great Perhaps

This book speaks to me so much, just as the previous book that I have read talked to me. I love the concept of being brave and going to a world we are not sure of. Throwing certainty to find adventure, find the treasure we are suppose to find. I read it because it was the kind of life I hope to take (soon!) I really loathe myself at the moment for being a coward.

What I really complain about is the fact that I was nurtured to take the 'careful' steps: to do well in life. Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with this kind of upbringing, but then I thought of missed opportunities; of missing what life supposed to be. I mean okay, I'm employed in a well company, earning well. I can't say anything bad to where I am, but then again so what? So is this all what I will be until I left the world?

Does living well in the world all that it takes? Just that? Being employed and working hard? Will I work hard for the next 20 to 30 years of my life? What life is really all about? I just don't find any significance in living just to live. I think we are born to be something else. I just could not ducking figure out what. And this upsets me.

[update] hah, and then I see someone posted this video in my newsfeed. Life, you're talking to me.

164: Finding Our Passion

taken from here

"The problem is I don't know what my passion is", thus said my friend. 

Do you know what your passion is?

I wouldn't deny that I suffered to this too. I did not know where I am passionate about because I am a diverse kind of person. When I see something interesting I try to do it too. I think the problem with me was that I try to re-live other's passion. Since I focused doing other's passion, I didn't find out what was mine. But I was lucky enough that I got conscious about this and had my "self-defining" moment. I have realized that mine definitely fall into arts.

Now that I realized I love arts, there's something else that I have to figure out (again!). So, what I am trying to know right now was where exactly in arts? To say, I found out that these things interests me: cooking, writing, crafting, drawing, reading, watercoloring, designing, and photography.

I cannot yet make a conclusion because honestly I love them all and I haven't felt the right one. But I was happy enough that at least I have defined myself. Now, my good friend and I have been planning to find where our passion lies. We've been talking HUGELY about it and planning how we could hone our passion.

I think I was lucky I got conscious of this, because as my sister puts it, there are those who doesn't know what they really want in life. I do not know which to blame, but it's probably the media because it diverts us to finding who we really are. But maybe it's also our fault because we let it define us. But it's not too late, we still can find out what we want in this life.

Before I end this post, I dedicate this song to this entry. If you watched the trailer Perks of Being a Wallflower, you'll recognize this. Plus, this song reminds us that we are on our way (finding ourselves). :)

No, it seems you're a lot like me

You dug yourself into places you never thought you would be

Don't you fret and don't you mind

The only constant is changing

You never know what you'll find

Yeah, tomorrow I might wake up nice and clean

I might believe the things I said I didn't mean

This might turn and wind up just the way we dreamed

and I might become the things I swore I'd always be

To finding our passion!

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158: Conquering Myself

EEEK!!

I almost failed to post today. But I didn't, which I think what matters most. :p haha! Anyway, I am writing about self-discipline today. You have to know that this is what I have been practicing lately. You see, one of my target is to buy Panasonic Lumix GF3 which costs 21+++K. I know I can buy it within my month's salary but I have decided to save 4K per month (5K on the last month). I wanted to have that camera so badly because I want to take blogging on another level, and having this camera would help me achieve that. But there are things that I have to consider before even considering on splurging. Hence, at this moment I have been repressing my being impulsive (It's hard, very very hard).

My impulsive self  wanted to splurge and just buy it. But buying it would mean that I have to skip giving a certain percentage of my salary to my parents, cheating on my monthly savings, and etc., which I cannot do. I know my parents would understand, and I know I can pass on savings, but I told myself that I have committed on those so skipping for a month was not an option. Plus, that would mean that I am breaking my commitment. Right? :))

Controlling myself lead me to realize this: disciplining myself is hard. But the reminder that I have to continue doing what I have started on (sort of -- okay I'm not yet used to it), alleviates my dampening mood.

You might wonder why dampening mood? Dampening mood because I'm telling you it's hard. I wouldn't deny that not buying what I wanted the most at this moment (knowing I can) sort of depresses me. But I believe practicing this self-control ~ despite how it makes me feel ~ would lead to better results in the future. It has to lead on something beautiful. I know and I believe it. So yes, delayed gratification for me at this moment. But it will be worth it. :)

To Conquering ourselves!

154: Major Revamp Going On [in Blog and in Life] ! :)

Finally, I am revamping my blog. The reason why I am revamping my blog is because finally I came up with a theme. This theme would feature things that I think would help me to be a better person. You see, I have been into self-development lately and I want this to be my channel where (probably) I hope I can help others as well. It's not that I have what it takes to be a ~ I don't know ~ sort of self-improvement-adviser? hahaha! But it's one of the things that I have committed on. What I am going to share here is how I want to improve myself, how I plan to improve myself, the experiences that I have encountered, and the lessons it had taught me. And in doing so, I only hope that I can inspire, motivate people with my entries. 

So there fellow Padawans let's plan and take an action in becoming a better person than we are yesterday. Remember, there's nothing too late.

Read all post regarding #BetterFuture project

151: Facing my own fears

Do you love Game of Thrones? I just love that awesome, brutal, intelligent book. Anyway, there is a particular quote that I came across where in I find very true. This quote was said by one of my favorite characters, Arya Stark.

Fear cuts deeper than swords.

Fear might be a word that we just shrugged off. Fear is a four letter word that doesn't seem to bother us consciously, but what we don't know is that it's actually the poison that's running on our blood that's putting us into coma before we even start to make our dreams come true. I wouldn't say that I am free of this, because I have my fair share of experiences where in my fear got the best of me. Fear stops me before I even do what I want to do.

To tell you my story, I would like to indicate the number one fear that I have.

FAILURE.

I am afraid to fail. I am afraid to fail executing my ideas. I am afraid to fail my certification exams, and etc.,  Hence, I either delay doing them or not doing them at all. I want to design and print my own shirt way long ago but never actually have done them. Why? Because I was afraid that it might not come out the way I expected it to. Second, I might just waste my money and time. So, I never really have done anything. Fear had won over me. Thus, I never had my own designed shirt.

My example might be simple. But what I don't know, fear actually is the reason why I have never taken a step towards what I wanted before. And the important thing I have learned about fear is: A smaller fear can be a bigger fear.

I knew I cannot live on fear, so I made a way for me to address them.

I put name on my fears

I write all the fears that I have, because I believe fear is the enemy I have to know. I cannot face my enemy without knowing them. Thus, in my opinion, it's important that I am conscious of my own fears. Hence, I identify them.

All the Pros and none the cons.

I don't think of the cons in facing them. I just write down/think of all the good things that I will get when I conquer them. Writing down the cons, makes me realize how important for me to face them.

Get inspired

I love words of wisdom! Words of wisdom gets me fueled. It inspires me to eradicate my irrational fears. This makes me realize how important my pros are, and how I should fight for my dreams to come true despite of my fears.

Pray 

Our priest once said that "Prayer changes people". I also believe the power of prayer, I always pray for strength to face my fear. It helps!

You, what are you ways to face your fear?