Tuesday, October 11, 2011

90: Melancholia

I should have written about this few days ago.

Melancholia. This is what I have been feeling for few weeks already. My state had been in gloomy. What had caused for me to feel like this is because I feel alone. I couldn't think seem to whisk away the feeling of loneliness despite of how I tried to find a diversion.

I feel out of place in the world. I feel away from everyone. The only time I feel ever close to someone is when I am around my friends. Being around them had been a temporary tranquility. A doze of my medicine just so I wouldn't dwell so much of my depression.

Home is not even a home already. I feel drifting away from my family. There are buried skeletons in our own closets that we are not willing to let go. This causes for me to shield myself away from them. My family and I pretended that it does not exist. Maybe it's better that way. Maybe it's better to keep it all hidden in the closet than to take it out and end up in melodramatic play. Drama is definitely something that I do not need at the moment.

I conceal bleakness by looking thoroughly happy. People who does not know me would even see me as a happy person; but for those who had known my heart (and they are so few) would know that I am dead inside.

I need this to stop. I need to find my equanimity. 

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