165: Somewhere Only I Know

A cup of coffee, a quiet night, and Keane's Somewhere Only We Know. I am set to write.

The past few days had been a roller-coaster of emotion for me. I had this certain feeling of wanting to abandon everything. I had this impulse of wanting to pick up my backpack, go somewhere and settle on a place far away from everybody.

I think I just decided to be recluse. I just want to start all over again. New people. New place. I just need to get away from everything.

My friend asked me if I have a problem. I firmly told her that I had none, and that's the truth of it. I had no problem but I just want to get away from where I am. It may have sounded strange to someone but it completely sound sane to me.

So why Do I want to move away?

For one thing, I am incredibly comfortable being alone. I am a loner. I love having all the time for myself writing, thinking, wondering, drawing, cooking, and painting. It's amazing how I can do a lot of things on my own. That's what I hope to have when I move out. Second, I think where I am right now, the people I know, everything that surrounds me controls too much. They get in the way most of the time of my plans. I feel like they are the shackles off my feet. I feel like I am tied adhering to the demands of the world. At least, if I am on my own, I do not have to listen to anyone. I do not have obligations and responsibilities that will nag me. There will be no expectations and no disappointments. I will be my on  my own. I hope it doesn't sound selfish. But it's just that for all of my life, I had always been doing what was expected of me. Doing the stuffs that people want of me. Not the way around. I never had time to do what I want. So, I am longing to do things in my own terms.

I always thought that it must be amazing to be on our own. To build our life the way we always wanted to, unlike living on others dictations. *sigh*. Can I just?

So yes, I wanted to get away ... and I hope that I will be able to carry this out sooner than I expect. ☺

Before I end this entry, I'll leave you this achingly wonderful song: Keane's Somewhere Only We know.

I came across a fallen tree

I felt the branches of it looking at me

Is this the place we used to love?

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know

164: Finding Our Passion

taken from here

"The problem is I don't know what my passion is", thus said my friend. 

Do you know what your passion is?

I wouldn't deny that I suffered to this too. I did not know where I am passionate about because I am a diverse kind of person. When I see something interesting I try to do it too. I think the problem with me was that I try to re-live other's passion. Since I focused doing other's passion, I didn't find out what was mine. But I was lucky enough that I got conscious about this and had my "self-defining" moment. I have realized that mine definitely fall into arts.

Now that I realized I love arts, there's something else that I have to figure out (again!). So, what I am trying to know right now was where exactly in arts? To say, I found out that these things interests me: cooking, writing, crafting, drawing, reading, watercoloring, designing, and photography.

I cannot yet make a conclusion because honestly I love them all and I haven't felt the right one. But I was happy enough that at least I have defined myself. Now, my good friend and I have been planning to find where our passion lies. We've been talking HUGELY about it and planning how we could hone our passion.

I think I was lucky I got conscious of this, because as my sister puts it, there are those who doesn't know what they really want in life. I do not know which to blame, but it's probably the media because it diverts us to finding who we really are. But maybe it's also our fault because we let it define us. But it's not too late, we still can find out what we want in this life.

Before I end this post, I dedicate this song to this entry. If you watched the trailer Perks of Being a Wallflower, you'll recognize this. Plus, this song reminds us that we are on our way (finding ourselves). :)

No, it seems you're a lot like me

You dug yourself into places you never thought you would be

Don't you fret and don't you mind

The only constant is changing

You never know what you'll find

Yeah, tomorrow I might wake up nice and clean

I might believe the things I said I didn't mean

This might turn and wind up just the way we dreamed

and I might become the things I swore I'd always be

To finding our passion!

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163: What do you want?

Have you thought about what you really want?

It's saddening that sometimes we are forced to do or live with what's practical than what we really love. I am not exempted of this, for I also live with the fact that I am doing something that was expected of me rather than of what my heart really desires. It's saddening and depressing. I wish I had taken a different path and was brave enough to stand on my passion. But I certainly believe that it's not too late. I am still clinging to my hope that I will be able to execute my plans one day.

But now, despite of the fact that I am not where I hope I am ... I'll live doing it (my passions), continue practicing until I have built a strong foundation that I can travel that path where I want to be. 

Anyway, besides that it has been raining quite horribly for the past few hours and it's really really frightening. I pray that the rain to stop pouring. Stay safe and dry everyone!

*sniff,* go away rain

162: My Life in Pictures

The past few weeks my life has been smooth. *sigh* reminds me that for the next week my life will turn into a different degree. *sigh* I do not know what awaits me, but I'm ready. *sigh*

• My Friend, Raisa - Raisa is one of the awesomest person there is. She had been the person I run to when I have plans. I share my plans with her because she’s a very positive person. But despite her positivism, she always mocks my ability in executing my plans. Thus, by her continuous challenges, it pushes me to prove to her that I can put my plans into action.

• Plans, Plans, Plans - I have been reading and planning, reading and planning. I need to make something substantial in this life. I just cannot go on in this life earning salary and buying material stuffs. I have to do something. I need to do something other than work and other than for myself.

• The curious pencil cases - While Raisa and I were in the mall, Raisa told me to make a pencil case, design just like what’s in the picture. She told me that I can do just as better. She even suggested that we research on how we could make a business by making cute designs. *sigh*, soon my dear friend.

• Hello Sweets! - Have I mentioned that I have a weakness for cupcakes and sugar filled pastries? lol.

• Doodle on all papercups! - Oh man, papercups are best canvas to doodle on. lol. I enjoyed doodling there. :* I might take home few cups and watercolor them too. lol!

• In progress - I have been trying to improve my watercoloring skills. Give me few more months and I’ll get it right. 

161: Taking that Leap of Faith

I have to be honest that uncertainty scares me. I worry when I am faced with the thought that things might not workout the way I hope it will be, and the fact that I may not be able to undo things scares me. But this time, I have to beat that fear. I have to give opportunity chance, even if there's a chance of losing too. I have to look beyond my fears and concentrate of what I will gain.

You know, giving opportunity a chance is one of the 30 things that I need to start doing to myself. It seems easy to do. But now that I am already in that moment, I realized how hard it is to experience that idea. But I need to give this a chance. I cannot let it go and wonder in the future what life could have been if I took that step.

Reading that quote from Michael Jordan, inspired me. I think despite of how unsure I am of what the future holds I need to do it. I have to remember that this is essential for my own growth. Besides, I believe that God is with me to guide me. I also know that He lead me to this path, thus I must believe on His plans.

So I'm taking that leap, and leave the rest to faith.

To uncertainty. Je Suis Prest. I am ready.